Remember this crazy mad man?

Yep, it’s our old pal …

Blow-em-all-up Bolton. Just think, this is the man Mittwit will make Secretary of State!

On his first day on the job he’ll rename State to Department of War because we all know the wimps and wussies over at Department of Defense are commies (Joe McCarthy didn’t get to finish his work and root them all out) and moooslems (that jihadist Hussein Obama installed during his illegal claim on the presidency). Then hire Blackwell as the SS of the new Department of War. We’ll round up all the “illegals” and impress them into service so we have another 2,000,000 killers to spend that $2,000,000,000,000 extra Mittwit will spend on wars (of course as part of balancing the budget). And then he’ll appoint this guy as Deputy for War Plans and give AEI a $200,000,000,000 contract for studies on how to be greeted as liberators.

Now his first agenda is to finish off the war on the Axis of Evil since Dumbya didn’t have the guts to keep going and fired Rumsfeld instead of starting the next 5 wars. First up, we have to re-invade Iraq because they still didn’t let neocons/AEI to run the country and we need the “Lilly-pad” bases Cheney was after. We outsource the air force to Israel and use those impressed dark skinned people from the U.S. to guard the bases, since naturally they should be able to handle hot dry places. Then with a lightning strike we’ll defeat Iran with just a few airstrikes since we’ll be greeted as liberators as Haliburton rushes in to grab the contracts (eliminating the Iranian government and outsourcing it all to HBR) and the oil fields with new contracts for the Kochs to get $1/bbl oil. 2/3rds done, now let’s go attack North Korea, to create a new base for attacks on China and to steal Russia’s goldfields in Siberia, plus to create a whole new workforce for Bain’s outsourcing. Starving Koreans will work way cheaper than Chinese or Indians.

Of course after adding three new countries to our empire (even though Israel will take a cut of the spoils) we should have grabbed enough resources that even collecting just a 1% tax on zillionaires will balance the budget, so now Bomber Bolton can add another $5,000,000,000,000 to the Blackwell and Haliburton contracts.

So onward and upward. Naturally we have to knock off pesky Chavez. He’s sitting on too much of our god-given oil and he’s such a irritating noise-maker, so we’ll only need to send Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood to knock them off with a few extras dressed as special forces. And we’re way overdue on getting Cuba back for the mafia’s casinos, so we’ll send Adelson’s private army (paying them handsomely from the skim at Shel’s casinos) to grab Havana. Surely they can make some mannequin of old Fidel so we can prop him up on some stage before we hang him so the Cubans in Florida think we finally got the old guy. And just in case any other part of the Northern Hemisphere gets snarky and criticizes us we’ll go sow a minefield on both the Canadian and Mexican border, using outsourced labor from Haiti, of course, since they’ll work for $0.50/day.

Now things are really shaping up. Just a little moping up in the Western Hemisphere. Knock off Bolivia (we’ll need the tin to substitute for all the gold we’re buying to put in vaults) and after Chile privatizes everything and abolishes all pensions or any hint of social welfare quickly bring them in at the 51st state so we can outsource to them, since now they’ll take $0.50/day. Grab Antarctica just for good measure, there might be some oil there and we can send down all the greens to live there and they’ll be begging for some more global warming. Mission accomplished banners galore, hung over every mosque in America.

Now Africa is not worth wasting much time on (since only a few places have oil), but we’ll grab South Africa and restore the Afrikaner government just to show the rest of the continent, they might be able to sneak in a pretender president into the U.S., but we’re on to them and now have ample bases to strike anywhere. Naturally we can now grab Syria and Jordan and turn those over to Israel and if our patriotic and noble allies in Saudi Arabia raise any stink we’ll just remind them how we’re protecting them from the pirates in Somalia and to shut up and go back to their harems and the new Burning-Light-of-Moses casino Adelson is building in Sinai.

So now it’s on to the big enchiladas. Bolton always knew the fall of Communism in the Soviet Union was just a sham, so now with all these bases we’re ready to attack to take the rest of their resources and once again make the streets of Moscow safe for the kleptocrats and finally drive a silver stake through Marx. He’ll do a quick Henry Kissinger and make a deal with China to invade in the east while we take the west (of course, he’s double-dealing China, because they’re next). Russia will fold like a cheap suit. Now with Old Europe surrounding Bomber Bo puts on his diplomat funny suit and basically edicts that all of Europe bow down to American exceptionalism or they’re next. Besides he will have sent a fifth column of Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan to make sure he’s bankrupted them first and now actually owns all of Europe so we can start collecting sharecropper leases on all of Europe after we’ve tied the Euro to the Texan currency.

Almost done. First the devalue the dollar so that all of China’s bank accounts are now worthless and they can’t buy weapons because everyone knows they just copy technology and can’t invent it. Second we get the despots in the middle east to only take dollars for oil and raise the price to $1000/bbl so we get the rest of their foreign reserves. Third, we hire Uighar terrorists to go grab the nukes. Fourth, we send our surrogate, the new North Korean army in to mop up. Fifth, we legalize drugs in China and give Repug drug companies the exclusive rights on the opium trade (worked before). Sixth, we set the maximum wage to $0.20 and outsource the last remaining jobs in the U.S. Oh, life is good. Mittwit’s secret investments have gone to $50,000,000,000,000 since he did all the insider trading on this (working for business and government at the same time is already a precedent after Bain).

And after his first year in office getting all this done, it’s on to Mars and Titan to defeat newly found microbes who clearly are commies too.

Pax America. The new Romicarael. Time for the Rapture, we’ve done god’s work.

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About dmill96

old fat (but now getting trim and fit) guy, who used to create software in Silicon Valley (almost before it was called that), who used to go backpacking and bicycling and cross-country skiing and now geodashes, drives AWD in Wyoming, takes pictures, and writes long blog posts and does xizquvjyk.
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4 Responses to Remember this crazy mad man?

  1. I honestly don’t know what to think after reading this. I know you this meant this to be sarcastic, but what IF one of the Repugs got of hold of this and started exploring your ideas here. You have to remember that they’re a paranoid bunch and are somewhat lacking the necessary intelligence quotient needed to run for office, dontchano!. 😉 Geez….I thought I could be a fatalist, but my hat’s off to you my friend! You paint a bleaker picture than I ever could! Very creative & well-thought out farce! 😀

    • dmill96 says:

      Unfortunately the neocon are fully capable of evil plans without any hints from me. As the Iraq war quickly went bad I began to read a lot of their thoughts, the whole AEI (American Enterprise Institute) and “New American Century” crowd. They are crazy and they do literally think of world domination. What particularly irritated me was that the Likud party is Israel was financing so much of their work as a deliberate lobbying to Bush and Cheney. And then throw in the craziness of the “Christian Zionist” (yes, there is such a thing) who wanted “greater” Israel to be restored as fulfillment of biblical prophecy to bring on the rapture. Yee gads, absolutely insanity. The Ledeen character was the worst, wanting all the wars I describe and somehow they all got to Cheney and he got to Bush. After years I finally decided Bush had just been rolled by this crowd. His own weird psychological state of the thing with his dad (always never good enough to please his dad) and then the strange thing of actually believing Saddam had tried to kill his dad, he already had some personal blood feud going that was fertile ground for the neocons to feed him their craziness. Bolton was truly awful and stupid, another one of the chickenhawks with zero military experience and thus seeing war as a good thing, safe from his cushioned chair.

      The only good thing is that perhaps Mittens will be more oriented to making more money and thus seeing perpetual war as an impediment to that. He clearly won’t resist the extreme right now, but will he grow a backbone when he gets the job and so all his current stupid ideas is just pandering. But who knows, maybe his secret investments are in war industries (like the Bush family Carlyle business was) and so unfortunately, since he’ll do anything to make money, he might see war as personal profitable.

  2. dmill96 says:

    The batshit crazy neocons drove Mittwit into a stupid set of statements denouncing Obama as a supporter of Islamic extremism. Fortunately these statements, obviously untrue (ask Bin Laden) have mostly backfired. But neocons really live in an alternate universe, one of a death match between Islam and radical Zionism fueled with Likud money. Bolton may not have been the one who put words in Mittens’ mouth but he was certainly there on the sidelines cheering.

  3. dmill96 says:

    And this idiot managed to make the news again (he’s not feeling the love anymore, hoping to get back into power with one of the Repug mad bombers). Naturally completely oblivious to the mess he helped create in Iraq now he wants to bomb, bomb, bomb Iran, over and over – he thinks they’ll rebuild and we’ll just bomb them again. Too bad he doesn’t understand that bombs won’t even do the job since the Iranians are not stupid and leaving their nuke program out where bombs can reach them. Why hasn’t Israel bombed them yet – because they can’t. They don’t have long-distance bombers nor adequate bunker-busting bombs. So they need to recruit our idiots to get us to try to do it. Sheer folly. What will the world be like if this idiot gets back in power!

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