Stephen Colbert: Global warming is suspicious quasi-science approximation to exceptionalism

I was watching the latest Repoire and got this fascinating and totally true debunking of the global climate hysteria that is culminating in the apocalyptic Mayan end-times doomsday tomorrow, in other words, how global climate is an obvious made-up pseudo-catastrophe by the liberal scientists to increase unneeded grant spending in the midst of the valiant Republican (true American) effort to decrease unneeded debt (leaving only the kind Bain knows how to use as the legitimate debt).

Why just look at this map, from the liars at NOAA.


You see that, Nation! All these, so-called, “scientists” are telling us we have global warning and as you can see it’s just a mix of hotter and cooler, completely random as any believer in intelligent design would describe as specified complexity. Nation, come on – can you see it! Can you see the blue! No, that’s not the traitorous  Obama vote, although obviously Obama is an agent from blue China hell-bent on raising our debt so China can buy us out. No, it’s getting cooler! Look at that, Australia – cooler! Now if every there was a hot place that should be warming up, if there were any global warming, shrimp-on-the-barbie land is bound to show it. Holly Outback, steak and all, it’s cooler, so how can the planet be warming? It’s just an oxymoronic contradictory paradox of misleading half-truths and part-lies. Don’t let them fool you, Nation!

But, even worse, the horror of it. Nation, look at all that grey stuff! NO DATA. Can you believe it, they hid the data just so that could force the data they choose to fit one of their godless models. No data, in the heart of Africa, home to more weather stations than any other part of the planet. And northern Greenland. Don’t they claim Greenland is melting? Isn’t someone up there measuring? So why are they hiding the data? In fact, all area around the Arctic ocean, you know the one that is disappearing and becoming a mud flat, according to those same ideologues, it’s all grey too. And if that isn’t suspicious, I don’t know what is.

Now clearly, Nation, you all have known for a long time, since you get your news from me and the only honest news channel, the oracles at Fox, that global warming is a hoax. We all know it started as a fraternity prank at MIT that got out of hand, and the geeks at Caltech had to go it one better, and then the UN, with their black helicopters got involved (and we know what kind of conspiracies can come from Kyoto), and “cooked up” (if you’ll pardon the pun) the nonsense that the earth is getting hotter. It’s phonier than a Nigerian prince with money for you.

Of course it’s hotter, it’s summer in sunny Rio. Of course the map shows it’s colder in Alaska, we’ve turned our backs on our savior from Wasilla. And isn’t that red blob centered on Iowa, a traitor to midwestern values that permits gay marriage (and we know what that means, all that heat from rubbing body parts spilling into the ozone layer and triggering acid rain (which doesn’t really exist, it’s just tonic water)).

Nation, we have got to bring this infamy to an end. Until we turn that entire map bright red, with a Republican super-majority in every branch of government at every scale and allow super-Pacs to educate us all with corrective information, these commie lies will keep pouring out of those elitist institutions, with all their degrees (ha, they don’t know degree, using that Celsius stuff instead of red-blooded American Fahrenheit, you know, a good American name). It’s time to bring this to an end. We must include in the fiscal chasm remedy a complete defunding of all science, not just the scandalous so-called “climate science”, because, Nation, it’s all tied together – you know, that mathy stuff, logic (who needs that when we can have opinions instead), analysis (now there is a scam if I ever heard one), all that puffy-poofy stuff the weirdos in pony-tails think up (yeah, right, “think”, not on this watch).

So, get up right now. Open your windows and shout, shout as loud as you can, “Stop heating up the planet with all your hot air. Chill out and burn some nice coal. Get rid of that silly Prius and man-up with a good pickup. CO2 is natural and American.”

About dmill96

old fat (but now getting trim and fit) guy, who used to create software in Silicon Valley (almost before it was called that), who used to go backpacking and bicycling and cross-country skiing and now geodashes, drives AWD in Wyoming, takes pictures, and writes long blog posts and does xizquvjyk.
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