I’d dropped this thread back in July but it’s time for another post. While I enjoy my Sunday outing where I can get away and do as I wish it is “exile”. I’m not coming here entirely voluntarily and would prefer to spend today at home, especially where I thought we might be having a pleasant St. Patrick’s Day with some corned beef and cabbage and Irish Soda Bread (and probably a little Irish whiskey) but that was not to be.
I leave my home and hide out at Starbucks because I am trying to break a co-dependency pattern. There is a person at my house that I don’t believe should be there, an adult male who persists in trying to remain a child and dependent, aided and abetted by co-dependent bioparents who also cannot face independence. There are many excuses and it’s a long sordid story but the bottom-line is that I don’t believe this continued dependence is necessary or unavoidable – it is a choice by several people.
But it’s not my choice. I do firmly believe in the concept of co-dependency and that the concept applies in this case. I feel I have often been an active enabler (over a decade) and now, not by my choice, I am a passive enabler. It is a situation I cannot change and that I cannot escape. It is destructive for all parties but I am unable to persuade any of the other parties to accept that idea and more importantly act to change it.
For me the idea of independence as an adult is just the default (and desirable) case. But I realize that idea is not shared. Independence is scary, it has its drawbacks, but it is also the natural cycle of life. Dependence, beyond a certain age, is unnatural and undesirable.
I “left the nest” at 19, not entirely, but in transition. And then by 22 I had achieved my independence and I wouldn’t trade that, regardless of how much responsibility it imposes on me, for the convenience of a pampered life of a dependent. And I’m sure my parents are perfectly happy that I made that transition. Perhaps I made it a bit sooner than some, but there is a limit to how long a child needs to “grow up”. Just avoiding reality (and thus not achieving independence and adulthood) may be “easy”, but it’s not good for anyone.
So today I spend 14 hours outside my home as my feeble (and misinterpreted) “protest” against merely returning to a more intense dependency that has marked most of the past decade. It’s time for a change but I don’t see the change coming, so this is the best I can do.
So I spend today, partly in pleasant diversion, partly in angry rejection of my situation. It’s not the best way to spend an entire day and I certainly don’t recommend it for anyone else. At least today’s world includes a Starbucks that tolerates me sitting here for a long time and using their resources for a small fee. But it’s not where I should be, at least under these circumstances.
And when I started doing this, over two years ago, I certainly had no idea it would continue (and now be cast in stone) for two years. Unfortunately any time I think about it I also realize nothing is changing and it’s entirely possible I could be writing another post like this a year from now, two years from now, even a decade from now. What a depressing idea. The sun may be shining outside now but this evening’s likely rain and snow is more what I can expect.