I’m an addict and in denial

Let’s face it – I’m an addict.

I don’t like putting personal stuff here but maybe I should – announce to the world what a fool (and addict) I am and then maybe I’ll do something about it.

My wife is an addict and totally in denial. Her son is an addict and proud of it and won’t quit because he knows we enablers will keep his addiction going.

I’m an addict and I know it, but I’m gutless and won’t do anything about it, IOW, still an addict, maybe not in denial, but just as stupid.

Here’s the thing about addiction. It’s really easy to lie, really easy to deny, because admitting then truth, but then acting on it is way way harder. So easier just to deny, to fight, to argue, to blame others. But addiction is a choice and we (I) choose it because we’re too lazy or scared or whatever to do otherwise.

We always do “next time”, IOW, next time I’ll finally say no. But that’s just part of the denial. It’s easy to say no to the future, hard to say no to the reality of the present.

I should pack up and leave tonight, except, once again, I have an excuse (a little too much to drink, making me “honest”, but I also realize unwise to do anything now as I don’t want more trouble that I cause). I’ve been here hundreds of times and I always chicken out – why? Do I really think anything will change? Denial is easier than admitting that the situation sucks and doing something about it is sorta like going to dentist, yeah, it will hurt, but it will be better once it’s over (I actually did go to dentist today, the shots hardly phased me, unlike normally, which shows how numb I am).

Fighting about it is just crap, a way to blow off steam without doing anything. I’m doing it, she’s doing it. The funny thing is the kid is the only one of us three who’s being honest. He’s a drug addict, admits it, wants to keep doing it, has no plans to stop. The other two of us are in denial. I’m in denial and know it, but am gutless to do anything about it. She’s in denial and so deep in denial, plus counting on me to do nothing, that she won’t even admit it. I suppose, as feeble as it is, at least admitting it is something.

But action, that’s harder. It’s been 14 years. I should quit this shit. It will only get worse. No matter how bad it is to stop (just like going to dentist) it will be better when it’s over. At least I know this, I just can’t do anything.

So I have an excuse, unwise to move out of house at the moment and in diminished capacity. But what about tomorrow?

Just do it! It isn’t going to fix itself. Why is this so hard? It’s obvious, at least to me, what addiction is and what denial is. So it’s hard, so it’s unpleasant, but doing something is better than doing nothing. Maybe it’s just booze talking (and I don’t have problem with that, due to weight loss regime hardly ever drink, but let myself go tonight), but come on, how many times do I have to run away before I run away and don’t come back.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. Someone may read it and then I’m forced to act on what I know is the right thing to do. This is a dysfunctional loop – the real addict is counting on his mom to do nothing, maybe fuss and fume, but bottomline, do nothing. And I kept delaying the action I need to do to save myself because I figure maybe she’ll finally get it. But she won’t get it anymore than the chemical addict son of hers will get it – it’s all just a game of chicken, who blinks first. The real addict has no choice, keep assuming the other codependent addicts will keep doing nothing. But the codependent addict has a choice, do something or stay an addict. Yep, it’s hard to change, but tomorrow is more of the same if I don’t. He’s a druggie and drunk, she’s a scared mom who wants to believe pampered poopsie is not a liar and thief, and me, I’m just gutless. Yep, it will hurt, but after the pain is over the healing can begin. If I can stand the dentist and the drills and the shots, why can’t I handle this.

Pack up and leave, or even just leave. They’ll never change, but I can. The only thing holding me back is me.




About dmill96

old fat (but now getting trim and fit) guy, who used to create software in Silicon Valley (almost before it was called that), who used to go backpacking and bicycling and cross-country skiing and now geodashes, drives AWD in Wyoming, takes pictures, and writes long blog posts and does xizquvjyk.
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One Response to I’m an addict and in denial

  1. dmill96 says:

    Personal note: I was in a very angry mood when I wrote this post since normally I don’t share this kind of material. Since the post I’m mostly sad, despondent and depressed at how awful addiction is, not only destroying the life of the addict but those around him. If anyone reading this has this problem in your life take action as soon as possible and avoid the denial of just hoping it will go away. It won’t and it will get worse and require even worse decisions.

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