Too sad

I just fell apart, not quite sure why. You see I’m stuck living in the house of my parents, an old guy who should have his own life and especially his own home, but this is my only place of refuge from my troubled world.

My mother died about a month ago. Since then it has been all this activity but now it’s just me, alone, here, where both my parents living out the end of their lives. Going through their stuff, finding photo albums, find pictures of me at < 1YO, with them. Now they are no more and I’m here, alone.

How has my life come to this. Once I was self-sufficient, with my own life, friends, purpose, recreations, my own house (still pay the bills on “my” house) – the standard life. I said I feel like I’m homeless. I own two houses but neither are mine and I just live here because it’s available. I had a home once, in California, the place I chose to be. But like my parents, like my purpose in life, it’s all gone now. I can’t be that little boy in all those pictures I keep finding. He’s dead too, just some husk keeps on breathing.

About dmill96

old fat (but now getting trim and fit) guy, who used to create software in Silicon Valley (almost before it was called that), who used to go backpacking and bicycling and cross-country skiing and now geodashes, drives AWD in Wyoming, takes pictures, and writes long blog posts and does xizquvjyk.
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4 Responses to Too sad

  1. leggypeggy says:

    Hope you find your way into a less troubled world.

    • dmill96 says:

      Thank you. I know it will pass, somehow, and I’m probably mostly just feeling sorry for myself, but I sure can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel now. I did just do a four day road trip (central US) and that usually refreshes and recharges me some but not this time. At least it’s getting cooler and so maybe I can go on some hikes. 🙂

      • leggypeggy says:

        I know you like to hike, so maybe that will help. Sometimes when we are feeling sorry for ourselves, it helps to help others. Any prospects for volunteering?

        • dmill96 says:

          Actually I’ve checked that multiple times (there is a central registry here of opportunities). In the past it was helping elderly and troubled kids and I used to joke I already had one of each. But my views change. The organization here who provided hospice service (among many services) earned my respect and has need of volunteers to supplement their paid staff. I’m interested in something that involved social interaction, solo stuff like driving meals or trimming bushes doesn’t quite fit for me. But clearly it’s a positive opportunity. I know how to find things – I will.

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